Lighthouse Keeper

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

I’m a bit concerned about all this “setting boundaries with people” business that seems popular on social media platforms in pop-therapy land. 

It sounds great and appeals to our desire to control people and situations. You simply dictate how you wish to be treated and if other people don’t tow the line then they lose access to you. I’m not saying you should let people treat you badly. I’m a good listener and it took a long time for me to say to people “hey I’m not just going to sit and let you trauma dump on me while you take no interest in me or my life”. The two people I have done that with ended the friendship (that wasn’t really a friendship because it was so one-sided), and I must say, I don’t regret it. 

Where we need to check for balance is where friends or family members misstep and we show them no grace or forgiveness. God has forgiven the unforgivable in all of us who are of Christ and it’s our role to extend that same grace and mercy to others. 

Love doesn’t keep a ledger of rights and wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5) and labelling someone as “emotionally unsafe” because they don’t behave the way you want is manipulation and control; something us humans crave. 

Be careful that you don’t end up self-isolating and cutting everyone off because someone isn’t your number one cheerleader or if they say things you disagree with. Iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17) and it’s up to us to navigate sometimes tricky interpersonal situations. 

One of my favourite sayings as I get older is “have the argument”. Don’t be afraid of conflict and putting your cards on the table if necessary but, especially with a family of multi-generations, people are a product of their environment and we come at things from different angles. Thrash it out. Communicate your needs (which is a form of boundary setting) but self-isolation and going no-contact is not the answer. 

Take the path of mercy and grace because our Jesus did. Forgive.